EmptyHero vs Majora’s Mask, Link to the Past & Ocarina of Time


Well hey everybody, it’s your good old pal
EmptyHero, and today, we’re going to take on a triforce trifecta of Zelda games with
reviews of Majora’s Mask, Link to the Past, and Ocarina of Time. The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask recounts
the epic struggle of Linktatia, the crossdressing elf boy, who yearns to find and forcibly impregnate
the haughty, tourettes syndrome suffering firefly that abandoned him at the end of the
previous game. As a direct sequel to Ocarina of Time, many
players expected Majora’s Mask to answer such important lingering questions as: what happened
to the alternate time-line Link abandoned when Zelda sent him back to the past? Where exactly did Navi go? And perhaps, most importantly of all, will
Malon let Link suck them tiddies for about a minute now that all of his heroism has been
undone? Interestingly, Majora’s Mask rejects those
questions, and substitutes Hyrule with it’s own original reality instead. “Terminia” is a metaphoracle dreamscape where
kindly old ladies reward you for helping them with traditional muslim headware. Furious raddishes threaten to turn innocent
bystanders into Brazilian soup. Metaphorical manifistations of men my age,
who should be doing something more productive with their time than playing this game, attempt
to sell you lewd sonichu fan art. Sychronized sluts with silk napkins on their
butts become dislexic, and dance with Link after he gets a little head, instead of the
other way around. And the moon performs an earth-shatteringly
accurate impression of a Clinton looking upon Haiti. Instead of continuing Ocarina of Time in a
strictly linear fashion, Majora’s Mask poses further mysteries that persist to this day. Such as: why doesn’t Link just utilize his
superior intillect to paint the tower in the center of Clock Town to resemble a gigantic
penis? That way, when the moon is about to swallow
the tower, everyone can point up at it and call it a goblin faced cock swallowing ace. By golly, that moon would be so flumuxed it
would sally forth right back into space! And even simpler than that, instead of letting
the moon crash into the planet, why not just have everyone go to the other side of the
planet and push on the ground at the last second, thereby causing the planet to crash
into the moon, destroying it instead? Why wouldn’t Link just stand atop the clock
tower, waiting for the moon to crash while holding up the deku mask? Then the moon would transform into a tremenouds
deku nut, thereby allowing Link to bust the biggest nut in recorded history since that
one time I tripped at the deli and landed on a pickle, over the entire world like some
kind of Hyrulian Genghis Kahn? At the very least, he could have held up the
zora mask, turning the comet into a harmless gigantic fish that would allow all the women
of the world to quiff in peace due to the overwhelming scent of fish already in the
air. But perhaps I’m getting a little ahead of
myself. During The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask,
players will explore not only dungeons and caves, but also the stages of grief, the unavoidable
encroachment of death, and the sudden realization that a treasure chest isn’t the only type
of chest to treasure. Sure, the thought of playing the part of a
shape-shifting, time-traveling, quantum-leaping rapist may seem appealing at first. But as you fail over and over again, you become
mired in dread and your yambag begins to ache. This digitized descent into madness begins
with Link desperately searching for Navi, because he has become so accustomed to her
telling him exactly what to do, that he’s both literally and metaphorically lost without
her. Instead of this dear departed friend, Link
encounters a ducklipped ethiopan scarecrow and his two co-dependant butt sluts. These rat bastard gypsy fucks rob Link blind
after causing him to be thrown from his horse. Little did they realize that their victim
was one twisted vertabrae away from this game being called The Legend of Christopher Reeves:
the Colostomy Bag of Woe. Although, not soon after being thrown from
Epona, Link becomes a vegetable, so perhaps The Legend of Terry Schiavo: The Blank Gaze
of Time would have been a more appropriate title. Fortunately, with the help of a pointy shoed
eldritchian horror, who moves the same way that Captain Kirk talks, and fears the moon
because it secretly contains his unacknowledged, bastard children, Link is able to regain his
former shape. The skull kid who attacked Link, traumatized
so badly by four giants from bubble bath land slapping him in the face with their gigantic
pricks, that he winds up trembling in the fetal position in mother nature’s shower like
a teenaged girl from a 1990’s afterschool special, rains calamity upon terminia in the
form of a moon that appears to be scared shitless at the thought of it’s own impending impact,
an invisible giant with altoids breath, butch lesbians who steal Yoko-Literal-Ono’s eggs
since their own eggs rotted decades earlier, and milk thirsty aliums who want to snake
their elongated ET fingers up a Malon clone’s mud hatch, proving that Majora’s Mask contains
the worst consequences for missing a cycle that doesn’t involve a long conversation with
the misses, followed by a somber trip to the nearest coat hanger emporium. Link is then tasked with plagiarizing both
R.L Stein’s novel “The Haunted Mask” and the Bill Murray Film “Ground Hog’s Day” in order
to prevent complete global smash-uration. To this end, Link must assume the identities
of the dead, including the literal seed of the deku butler’s loins, whom can skip across
water like Jesus Christ’s gay cousin, show his nuts to jews without fear of retaliation,
has deadlier spit than Magic Johnson, and the most powerful flowery helicopter ever
beheld since that one I got a rosebud stuck to the head of my penis while hands-free fanning
off my morbidly obese date’s face after an especially sultry round of love making in
the reception area of a flower shop. This starchy stoic acts heroic in order to
cross the deadly swamp-ass swamp, defeat an ooga booga boss that is so similar to a real
life African Warrior that it is completely covered in flies, and jam his deku stick in
this glorified knot hole full of splinters. Though, I am left wondering at times. If deku-Link’s deku horns are composed of
the same deku material as the rest of his deku body, does that mean he’s deku-blowing
himself every time he plays a song? Majora’s Mask notoriously raises many similar
questions. Less straight forward than it’s predecessor,
Majora’s Mask makes the player wonder if Link is dreaming, or dead, or if the Land of Terminia
even exists at all. While Link literally wakes up at the end of
his Dream Journey in “Link’s Awakening”, there is no lifting of the veil within the confines
of Majora’s Mask, and those questions are never answered. As a result, players never know if Kafei’s
marriage to the town’s resident cum bucket persists once Link has left Terminia. And believe you me, this version of Anju is
especially lascivious. Not only did she remove the bathroom door
from her house so family members and patrons alike could watch her dropping hot logs, but
she installed a retart in the poo chamber to clense HER poo chamber with his gigantic
fist. She then drilled a glory hole in the wall
between a guest room and her bedroom; and after you spend more time following around
a pre-pubescent boy than Kevin Spacey at a New Year’s Eve party in order to reunite Anju
with her betrothed, she kicks you out into the streets to die alone while she and Kafei
engage in one last forbidden squirt in the skirt before getting squashed into the dirt. And the degeneracy is not limited to the residents
of Clock Town alone. Terminia’s gorons are dying, not of the endless
winter that entombs them, but of their own sheer stupidity. They are apparently too inbred to bundle up
in blankets, put on pants, or use their already lit torches to light a camp fire. Instead, Link must assume the persona of a
naked, bongo slapping hippie, roll around like a fat person from one of my Yurope novels,
and stab a goht in the ass like a lonely jihadist in order to unfreeze the goron’s mountains. Once you finish trading gold dust to a gimp
in exchange for a glimpse at his care-taker’s gigantic balogna slice nipples, you’ll get
to visit Romani Ranch. There you’ll get to help a weirdo’s baby cock
grow, fight the urge to commit unspeakable acts against Creamia at sword point before
using the song of time to destroy the evidence, and encounter the incredably off-putting Terminian
counterpart to American actress Sarah Jessica Parker. Together with Sarah, Link is embued with the
incredable ability to pass over four foot tall fences, allowing him to access the dirtiest
beach this side of Atlantic City, New Jersey. There Link will encounter a man so stupid
that he somehow managed to drown despite being a fish, play the song of mercy kills in order
to steal that guy’s guitar, then bury him six inches under the sand like a cat turd. And while it may be natural for a godless
fish man monstrocity to perish after spending hours jumping through hoops in pursuit of
young beaver and finally creaming on that steaming caviar; I wonder, is it normal to
catch this, unfortunately-non-literal bass-player in a his dressing room with an underaged grouper-
I mean, groupie? And if Link visits that dead fish man’s girlfriend
in his fish man form after visiting Romani Ranch, should she become suspicious after
finding that Link’s fishy fingers smell like beef? After harpooning a turtle in the ass, Link
can then brave the depths of an elaborate sewage treatment facility, where he can encounter
a disturbingly metaphoracle trio of phallic bosses including, an ovary, goo, and a gigantic
gaping set of fish lips the size of a hallway. After rinsing the salt from his balls, Link
heads to the desert to claim a set of masks that will allow him to remove lingering curses,
grant the vigilant dead long deserved repose, and scare the ever loving shit out of a slack-jawed
retart. Link’s reward for acting as a literal messiah
to this cursed kingdom is a song that enables him to pose corpses like Ed Gein on date night. At this point, only a single dungeon remains
seperating Link with his destiny on the moon. Unless of course, you’re a little bitch who
wants to cheese the final boss with the fierce diety mask. And frankly, ending a game that explores the
existential dread of death with a fight against worms, then a heart that stops beating after
you kill it is perfectly fitting. Overall, The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
is a highly concentrated crystalization of the Ocarina of Time forumla. It innovated how dungeons were explored and
npcs were interacted with in ways that the series has failed to better or even match
to this day. Probably, because they know that no matter
how bad the games are, you stupid mother fuckers are going to keep buying them any way. Link to the Past is the epic tale of a boys
journey to smash some especially stanky gash. This incarnation of the errand boy of the
goddess is a fairly regular guy, who even keeps pot next to his bed for a little wake
and bake first thing in the morning. One night he sneaks out of bed to follow an
uncle so lazy that he gave up on saving zelda in the first room of the tutorial area. And for his part, Link doesn’t even try to
help the fat fuck. Probably because Link wants that one room
shack and the buggery stained bed within it all to himself. After dodging some gaurds who are apparently
both near AND far sighted, Link comes across the boomerrang; an ancient relic that stuns
enemies on contact, because frankly, they are just indredulous that someone actually
threw a god-damned boomerang at them. After a solid two minutes of australian shit-posting,
Link encounters Princess Zelda, a salacious slut who wears a flowing skirt, her panties
on her head, and walks navel deep in raw sewage during her escape. As a result, her pussy is so pugnaciously
pungent that when the priest partook of her pervasive prolapsed pelvis perfume he passed
away post-haste, which isn’t particularly portencious. The church he led worshipped a graven image,
and behind that blasphemous golden icon was a room full of snakes. And frankly, if Zelda wanted to speak in tongues
while handling serpants, I have a scaley, slime covered creature of my own she could
handle, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I’m talking about my penis. Because having her tug on it like a gibbering
retart trying to pull on a push-to-open doorknob would probably be pleasurable for me. After leaving Zelda in the most obvious of
hiding places, Link embarks on an amazing quest to collect three chuck-e-cheese coins
that can later exchange at the courtousy counter for a sword that has a baggy t-shirt for a
hilt. To attain these all important pogs of destiney,
Link explores three incredably dangerous locations that include enemies so harrowing the its
pains me to recall them. In the eastern palace Link encounters sleepy
weebles and slutty skellys that want your nut in their bellies. How do I know they yearn for the sperm? Just look at how they try to entice link to
jump their bones! After getting more black balls shoved in your
face than madonna in the ninties and bullseying some depth perception lacking lobsters, Link
takes on blow up dolls that try to booty slam him to death, followed by the most dangerous
enemy of all, Sarashalahashamalamadingdong, a brown fingered hermit who gifts kinky red
leather boots to the first little boy to enter his hut since the sex offender database went
online. Luckily, those boots enabled link to sprint
away with his bootious maximus mostly intact. Emboldened by this victory, Link presses towards,
then through Kakariko village, where he meats such colorful characters as a little boy who
blew because he needed the money, a crazy mother fucker who seals his brother behind
a wall like the guy from Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Cask of Amatilado”, a litte gay boy who
spent so much time bug chasing that he is dying of aids at the age of ten, a snitching
slut in the burqa who better ask the dimension hopping boy how he runs so fast, because when
I catch the bitch I’mma cleave her ass in two, a poo in the loo salesmen who sold off
his last bottles because they remind him too much of a toilet, a culture appropriating,
self proclaimed “black smith”, who is honestly a “beige smith” at best, and worst of all,
the physical embodiment of the future jews want for hyrule; a gay black clansman who
is so woke he charges thirty rupees to talk to him. Luckily, in a world with so few of the people
god chose to rape and pillage the rest of us, coins can be found just lying around,
unfiltched, and the land is so prosperous that the king was able to stock his garden
with gigantic tastey cake butterscotch krimpets mmm mm! With the ancient knowledge contained in the
mystical book of mudora the explora, Link is then able to slip past the letigious sandmen,
attourneys at law in order to attain the legendary white power glove, which allows it’s wielder
to get a low interest loan from any bank and grab an eight ball of that pristine china
white to get their rocks off without fear of reprecussion from the law. After killing some worms by dragging his bare
ass across a shag carpet, Link proceeds towards and through the Death Mountains, where he
meets some buck toothed tree fuckers who will go on to impregnate a particularly slutty
dutch elm, thus leading to the conception of the kokori tree, and an old pervert with
a mirror strapped to his shoe, who tosses the mirror out after getting into the light
and seeing links disgusting balls. After watching a demon kick a little boy in
the balls, link recieves a dose of highly concentrated testostone in the shape of an
orb, which fixes the mental problems brought about by his uncle’s slippy fingers, thus
preventing him from becoming a degenerate furry ever again. The death mountain dungeon is especially perilous
due to the holes in the floor and furious bumper squids. Though, to be perfectly honest, if I wanted
to wrestle down a gigantic fuzzy wiggle-worm I’d ignore those court orders and go back
to free balling when I jog. At this point, the writing of the game becomes
a little suspect. Ganon jumps out of a wizard’s butthole in
order to kidnap princess zelda and six other sluts. And instead of going to the past, as the title
suggests, he pulls link into a nightmarish realm deviod of the light of god. Link must then jump between dimension to rescue
a septology of slags encased in crystalized monster cum, who have been fucked so hard
by multipronged, hexagonal demon dick that their used up cunts have been core sampled
out with a garden weasle and left in the dungeons to air out betweens uses. So frankly, a Link to Camden would have probably
have been a more honest title for this game. Though its not all bad. I like any game that not only allows me to
catch little girls in a butterfly net, but that they also respect the validity of my
catch instead of screaming for their fathers. At this point, Link must tred carefully. Though the combat is verse-a-tile at times,
the bag of dicks monsters, fried chicken in a mask, ice covered eye, lint covered eye,
eyes covered eye, rock with more turtle heads poking out than a five assed mexican miles
away from a toilet after taco tuesday, butterfly that slaps link in the face with his surprisingly
large number of pricks, as well the scariest encounter you can have with a woman in a bedsheet
that doesn’t involve her husband angrily kicking down the bedroom door to announce his aids
test came back positive, can all tear link’s ass to shreds. Luckily, Link is not alone. Help this dirty old witch jam some rotting
mushrooms up her disgusting snootch and she’ll quiff out some magical dust. Toss some coins at this slut and she’ll make
you quiver, I mean, increase the size of your quiver. And give any attention to this body image
posive bag of shit who turned this entire pond into fatty-bo-batty soup and she’ll upgrade
your sword. Sacred objects scrounged from dungeons will
empower Link to melt bitches with his firey rod, smack weiners in the dark like his uncle
taught him, and perhaps, most impressive of all, with the cane of Somalia, Link can conjure
blocks composed of highly compressed genocide victims to activate about five switches in
the entire game. After an epic showdown with man-bat-pig in
the basement of the Luxor Casino, Link is finally able to make Hyrule great again, then
seal up the Master Sword before that stank bitch Fi can awake and ruin the game with
her jabbering. Reviewing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of
Time is pointless. Like grandmom’s cookies, baby jesus’s sunsets,
and fat anime tiddies, the goodness of Ocarina of Time is self apparent. Even that hemloc-sucking homo Socrates wouldn’t
bother analyzing it’s worth. So while replaying OoT for the first time
in a decade, I wasn’t looking to pick apart the mechanics like some greeseball contrarian
asshole who projects his own inadiquacies onto the game. Instead, I wanted to see with adult eyes whether
the logic of the game held up to scrutiny. For example, how the fuck does the Kokori
society function? Kokori are the humanoid offspring of a magical
mustacheod tree who is full of puzzles and bugs. I wonder, if you dissected a kokori, would
they be full of box pushing puzzles too? This also raises the question, that, since
Kokori are outwardly mamalian in appearance, do they have nipples. And if so, are those nips shaped like acorns
that lactate maple syrup? Canadians can’t be the only ones. And like trees, are the Kokori also all hermaphrodites? That would explain why Mido was such a cunt,
you know aside from his typical impotent manlet rage. Kokori are also notable for their eternal
youth. After slumbering for seven years in a flooded
basement with a slob in a bathrob who cuts Link loose the moment Link’s big boy hair
comes in and before link can ask why he woke up on his stomach wearing silk stockings and
earings, Link finds that his clothes have grown, but that his friends, the Kokori have
not. This raises important questions about the
life cycle of the kokori. Some would argue that the skull kids of the
lost woods are what becomes of Kokiri who lose their fairies. However, to save them from drowning during
the backstory of Wind Waker, the Deku Sprout transforms the Kokori into treestumps with
downsyndrome. As a result, I believe something devious is
at hand. Other off-shoots of the deku tree include
the serpentile deku baba and the money-grubbing, bread-unleavening, oven-dodging deku scrubs
who are always trying to sell you something you could just as easily pick off of the ground
for free. And I ask you, fair watcher with immaculate
tastes, what do the kokori eat? Despite being derieved from a magical tree,
they seem to take no issue with dwelling in the hallowed out carcasses of their decapitated
aunts and uncles. And in those cages of rotting deku-flesh,
tables, but no ice boxes or stores of food are found. In the kokori shop, the only forms of sustanance
for sale are the NUTS of deku babas, the piping hot SEED of deku scrubs and human hearts. GOD DAMN HUMAN HEARTS. It is painfully apparent to me that the kokori
are some stone cold mother-fuckers. Lacking genitalia of their own, they consume
the sticks, nuts, and seed of their retarded deku cousins. And Link’s mother, who’s death in the forest
the deku sprout is so smilingly happy to discuss, has no grave. And you must wonder, if not from Link’s mother,
where did that single heart for sale in the shop come from? I believe the Deku tree didn’t send link away
for the sake of enabling a grand adventure, HE WAS SAVING THE BOYS LIFE. Saria provides ample evidence to further this
theory. This woodland-spiramint jail-bait of hate
literally tries to steal link’s heart just as he’s leaving town. Fortunately Link hooks up with a hot blonde
and tosses Saria’s dwarf-spit filled ocarina in the trash where it belongs. Also, did you know that even though nintendo
removed the dating simulator elements from Ocarina of Time half-way through the development
process, that it is still possible to bust a nut on sarias face? Appropriatley enough for Link and the teenage
boys playing as him at the time of OoTs original release, the supply of nut and seed is practially
without end. Unless of course, you do it too much an wear
your c-stick down to a nub. Let us also take a moment to regard Link,
the knife eared idiot who squandered his childhood, just like the people who played his game. Navi took one look at Link as he slept with
his boots on and correctly assumed that he was retarted, which is why Navi feels the
need to explain even the most obvious of details to link. If Link had a brain in his head, the tragic
events of the game could have been entirely averted by simply cutting up the magical talking
deku tree, and utilizing the lumber to create a magical talking dutch wife who could seduce
ganon and infect him with a fatal case of Ghomarrea. After Link becomes a man by tugging on his
sword in the backroom of a church, he could also just as easily have defeated Ganon by
swallowing the pedastal of time, thereby turning all the food he ate from that point on from
feces, back into food, ensuring an infinite amount of food for hungry hylians in the future,
causing a massive devaluation on rupees and brining gannon’s republic to it’s knees. How this never occured to link is beyond me. For his part, Gannon is the only black man
in the world, which is why hyrule is nearly a paradise. I used to think my grandfather was a bit of
a racist for chasing black people out of his neighborhood with fistfulls of flaming job
applications. But ocarina of time has proven him correct,
you let one darky into castletown and look what happens. LOOK WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS. Why is everybody naked? Why they all tryin to hug me? Is THIS the liberal holocaust Alex Jones has
been warning us about? Is the run-off from king zora’s balls turning
these frogs gay? Because if it is, THANKS OBAMA, but I’m buying
some water filters RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. After leaving the forests, most players will
press past the horrific pineapple from hell, through fields with more children’s bones
popping out of them than john podesta’s back yard, and into Lon Lon Ranch. Or as it was originally named in the japanese
release “Ron Ron Lanch”, which roughly translated, means “Ranch of the Fattest Suckable Tiddies.” The ranch is a nice place to stop if dairy-slinging
equine-enthusiats with hot dry circus-clown pussys that honk like a bike horn with every
thrust, and who’s breath smells of their uncle luigi’s sweaty balls are your kind of girl. Otherwise, most players will head directly
to castle town, where they will encounter a flute sucking, burqa wearing thot who grows
up to be a naruto cosplaying idiot. OH. How I wish she’d pluck my pubic hairs like
that harp and hold me in her rugged hands. I mean, after talking with zelda, Link meets
the biggest dummy in the land, who, like link, also knows how to bust a nut and flee. Impa is so stupid that she founded a town
at the base of an active volcano with a water supply tainted by undead corpses and a literal
embodiment of evil that plays the bongo like a filthy hippie. Living in this lovely town is the only man
in all of Hyrule with downsyndrome, a pervert who furiosly cranks his shaft after a little
boy makes him wet, a house of jews cursed to revert to their original form as punishment
for their greed, and a pidgeon fucking mulleted-milf who’s pussy lips not only flap about like
a bird, but also carry the avian flu. She is so seductive in fact, that the programers
took time out of rendering rock hard goron nipples to ensure that the player would be
punished for beating their cock. I’m not just saying she’s worth squirt in
skirt, this bitch puts the Cack in kakariko village. Well, actually, everyone in town puts the
cack in her, but thats besides the point. North of this polygonal pompei is a tribe
of brown-skinned, genderless, morbildly obese retarts who can’t feed themselves without
your donations. No, I’m not talking about tumblr, but rather
the goron village. Not only are they tormented by whack-a-mole
dragons, feral richard pryors, and irate newts who gobble balls until you explode in it’s
mouth, but they have the unfortunate fate of not having a single waifu to offer. Even the guppy elves you encounter next have
a horrific fish wife with razor sharp vaginal gills and breasts full of stinking caviar
to offer. Sure, every sub atmoic particle of her body
smells of unwashed cunt, but this fish knish is extra delish. You may not think you’d want bedroom eyes
from a tsundere tuna, and sure, after seeing how fat her mother is you might have second
thoughts, but believe you me THE ZORA ARE FUCKING FREAKS. Don’t believe me? Then pay attention because you’re about to
get schooled like a school of exceptionally sensual fish. I’m sure you were all expecting a generic
joke about king zora tainting the water supply of hyrule with his taint. And to be perfectly honest, you are all missing
the point. Thanks to his eternal enema, King Zora has
the cleanest, most eatable ass in the world. It’s not even gay when its that clean. It’s like eating an especially erotic tuna
tar tar with half digested corn in it. The bosses of this area include an octopuss
that wears a buttplug, an ovary covered in sperm, and one of those tentacle monsters
japanese perverts love so much. And if you were wondering how the zora became
so lewd, keep in mind that they were created when this man fucked that squid. That’s also how splatoon came about, but that’s
a seperate story. Other odities in this general area include
a fishing hole operator who’s lip is gold from huffing paint, black link, or Linger,
as the fans prefer to call him, and the only mexican in hyrule. How do I know he’s mexican? Because he spends all day eating beans on
the other side of a wall he hopped over illegally, now back to the story. After collecting all three maguffins needed
to enter the second stage of the game, link is tasked with collecting decorative ash trays
that ultimately do nothing. At this point in the game, the triforce becomes
as irrelivant as the three thots fingered by midas who created it when peacing out from
the planet and you are forced to reclaim previously explored areas of the game, with the only
standout being the gerudo desert area aka, Louis CK’s long fabled interacial breeding
grounds, where you’ll knock out more black chicks than diabetic shock and have more reconstituted
cunt vapors belched in your face than a guest back stage at the ellen show. These salacious ginger gypsy trannies represent
the ultimate feminist end game, and as a result, it’s no surprise that their treasures for
link include a silver gauntlet, perfect for fisting a fat bitch, and a icy shaft that
will never be used. Especally noteworthy among this tribe of grannies
and trannies is Nabooru, a nicky minage clone who could sand blast your balls hairless with
a single desert storm queef and who’s ass has taken so much dick that it’s collapsed
like a dying star. Somehow, like with all the girls in this game,
link manages to miss out on being pulled into her black hole. I guess link is just a better person than
me. After one look at those great faires with
their pyramid tits constructed by jewish slaves, and so many dead leaves in their cunts that
when you jump cock first into the leaf pile, as usual, you wind up covered in slugs; I
would put a bunch of fairies into a bottle, then fill it with farts and cum. However, that may just be because, unlike
link, I’m the romantic type. While link may have enjoyed the occassional
dead-hand job, and like-like full body blow job, he completely ignores a veritable array
of delicious thots, and for that, he must be punished. Upon defeating ganon at the end of the game,
everything link has accomplished is undone and the king of hyrule executes the only black
man in the world based on the whims of a little girl. Link’s only friend Navi is all, “later fag”
and flies off leaving Link to live alone in an unheated tree stump, sorrounded by immortal
midgets who want to eat his soul and who will eventually become obese plank clones that
turn into islands. But that’s getting a little ahead ourselves. Overall, Ocarina of Time was and still is
terrific. It’s no wonder nintendo seems so bent on copying
it over and over at times. Well, that’s it for this video. If you liked it, feel free to subscribe, tweet
about it, check out one of my ebooks, paperbacks, and audiobooks using the links provided below,
stick around for the next episode of EmptyHero Vs, where my patreons will decide whether
I review a block of action games like bayonetta and killer is dead, or finish up the stalker
series with reviews of Call of Pripyat and Lost Alpha, or you could call up your grandmom
and ask her about her day, because she’s not going to be around forever and she misses
you. Until next time, thanks for time and GOODBYE.

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Reader Comments

  1. Theta Zero

    The wordplay in this video is so good.

    A fun fact, "yonic" is the feminine version of "phallic," another word to add to your raunchy repertoire.

  2. RiderWithTheScarf

    I too wondered about Malon's titties as a kid. The innocence of youth and the hours wasted upon her sweet embrace.

    Props to you dude, to pull this much comedy out of Majora's Mask is amazing. Great wordplay as well.

  3. mariotaz

    Fukin scrub didn’t even clerly play Majoras mask and is just hating it. ITS SO OBVIOUSLY that there isn’t a seperatetimeline because ZELDA SENT HIN THERE! whats is the point f complaining about a clock looking like a p*nis! that is soooOOOoo dumb since nintendo is for everyone? just go play yer fukin stupid cod and overwatcher games on your shitty Xbox wile I get to play Zelda with over people who clerly get what makes a game good and can can understand how good the game ACTUALLY IS? i hope you like the down thumbs!!!!!!!

  4. Lazypackmule

    Majora's Mask isn't just about grief or accepting death or whatever, every part of the game has some specific relevance to zeldo's life

    After you get forced into cosplaying as a dead child who ran off by himself to play in traffic in the big city, those wooden midget bastards don't even realize you're wearing his flesh as a suit despite cunting on about missing him constantly, mirroring those other midget but not yet wooden bastards in the forest that couldn't tell it was you just because you paid a visit to your first glory hole and got an earring

    The next two mask fuckers bring up lingering issues related to adult link getting friendzoned so hard it made a new timeline, and the adventure as a whole ending without link getting the sloppy blowjobs he was promised from his harem

    The skeletons in the graveyard are literal child soldiers who can't accept that their war ended and move on

    And no matter how much you help those idiots in town, none of them will ever acknowledge you ever did a damn thing for them and not one of them will ever remember you, which is the concept the entire game literally revolves around, picking up the only logical conclusion of the ending of ocarina, which, like the ending to the butterfly effect, erased its plot from existence before it could even start

    Also, the mirror shield kinda looks like someone spreading their asshole, reflecting the horrified face of someone only just now realizing they might not actually be into anal vore, which I'm sure is also a very deep and meaningful metaphor for something

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