Geoff: Alright! Everybody wake up. Jeremy: Wake up Gavin! Matt: Wake up! Gavin: Good Morning! Geoff: What are we doing Matt?
Jeremy: It’s time for a new day. Matt: Alright Geoff, what we’re gonna do is the Achievement City Triathlon. Ryan: Oh no! I haven’t trained! Matt: Dude don’t worry. You’re probably in peak physical condition. Jeremy: Matt here you are! Gavin: Peak! Geoff: How many boats do I grab? Jack: Who’s talking to us? Matt: So, what you got to do, grab some boats, just how ever many you feel like necessary. Ryan: That’s some nice meat you got back there. You gonna share that meat? Matt: Absolutely go grab some meat from my meat stores. Ryan: Ok Geoff: Where’s the meat store? Matt: Yeah, each grab one of the, uh… potions there. Matt: One potion of speed. Gavin: Where’s boat shop here? Matt: Some water, and some jerky. Matt: Y’know, good protein. Matt: There you go Gavin, that’s probably as many as you need. Ryan: How many boats do I need? Matt: As many as you feel like you want, Ryan. Matt: Just trust you’re heart. Gavin: I took a solid six boats. Jeremy: Wasn’t listening, this good? Matt: That’s good. Jeremy: K Ryan: I feel like if I take enough boats other people wont have them. Geoff: So, the- For the uninitiated, a triathlon is a, its uh, where you swim what two and a half miles? And you bike a hundred 116 miles or a 120 miles or something and then you run a marathon. Matt: For this one though, we’re gonna have the running be instead of the biking, and the biking go after that. Ryan: What’s the one where you ski and shoot? Jack: That is- Jeremy: Being Canadian. Geoff: That’s the Die-athalon. Ryan: Got it. Geoff: Alright, you guys don’t have to laugh at that one, it wasn’t that funny. Geoff: Ok! So I guess we’re gonna go ahead and put our boats in the water? Jack: Oh Geoff! Geoff Giggles Ryan: My boat’s in the water. Geoff: My boat’s in the water. Ryah: Aww, my dinghy’s wet! Matt: I’ll count you down once you guys are in the water. Jack: Ok, get in the water? Ryan: Wait, do we get in the boat? Or just- Geoff: My boat’s going away! Gavin: You’re a dingus. Ryan: That’s why I figured it would be best to get in the boat. Gavin: You say my dinghy’s wet? Ryan: Yeah. Matt: Yeah. Gavin: Alright. Jeremy: Hey come back Jack! Matt: Alright, get back to the starting line. Ryan: Ok, back to the start. Ryan: Cheater. Ryan: Jeremy’s just a head. Geoff: Oh! And so the winner wins the coveted Tower of Pimps. Gavin: I’ve heard of it. Jeremy: To hang around their neck. Geoff: So you gotta go through these little checkpoints you can see up in the air at two or three… I think three junctures. Geoff: You gotta find a place where you can stop and sleep. Geoff: Uh, and refill on food and stuff. Ryan: But it’s daytime… Gavin: Jeremy, put your body back! Jeremy: No! Jeremy: Make me. Gavin: I’m gonna come over there Lil J and… Jeremy: No! No! Jeremy: No! No! No! No! Oww! Gavin: That’s what you get. Now You’re a drowning head. Geoff: Alright, are we, uh… are we ready? Ryan: I’m ready. Matt: Ok, I’ll count you down. Ryan: Someone fire a gun. Matt: Alright. Jeremy: On go? Matt: On go. Jeremy: Ok. Matt: 3! Ryan: Wha- Woah woah woah woah woah wait a minute now, get back here. Gavin: Sorry, I exploded out my- oop! Ryan: He just shot off the line there. Geoff: Gavin’s got 5 boats now. Ryan: That’s a false start, I believe. Gavin: I’m into a boat. Matt: Everyone ready? Everyone: Yes! Matt: Alright, 3… 2… 1… Go! Fake Gunshots Everyone: AAAAAHHHH!!! Ryan: *singing* SAIIIIIIIILING!!! Jeremy: Damnit! Geoff: Ah! I fell off the boat! Jeremy: I hit Jack’s boat and it broke my boat. Geoff: I’m already down a boat! Ryan: Oh no! Jeremy: I’m down another boat! Ryan: I punched the chicken and my boat exploded! Gavin: That’s why you shouldn’t punch a chicken. Jack: Aah I’m in the lead! Gavin: Someone kill Jack! Ryan: What the hell happened? Jeremy: You look great Ryan. Matt: You’re just fighting a chicken in the ocean. Geoff Laughs Geoff: Has anybody won yet? Ryan: I can’t get back in my boat! Ryan: There we go. Geoff: Anybody completed the water course yet? Jeremy: I hit Jack’s boat, I hit Gavin’s boat. Ryan: I died as I lived! Punching a chicken! Gavin: Where are the missiles? Jeremy: I know, I wish I had a bow and arrow right now. I would take your boat out. Gavin: Jack would be dead as knobs by now. Ryan: This boat doesn’t corner very well. Talking over each other Gavin: The only way Jack is gonna lose is if we insult him and he gets distracted. Ryan: You should punch a chicken! Ryan: It’s great! Jack: Why would you say that? Don’t hit the lily pads. Jack: They’re bad. Ryan: I thought they fixed that. Jeremy: No, three lily pads will take you out. Gavin: There’s HP too as well. Jack: They’re like mines! Gavin: MINE? Jeremy: Oh God I went backwards a little bit! Jack: Oh no I hit one! Gavin: Oh God Geoff Ah you fool! Geoff: What’d I do? Gavin: You hit a thingy and crashed then I crashed. Talking over each other Jeremy: Ooh I’ve taken third. Geoff: Jack has uh… he’s got a clear lead. He’s a str- much stronger swimmer than us. Ryan: Hold on boat! Geoff: Maybe we can make up time- Ryan: I was a great swimmer until I decided to punch poultry. Jeremy: I look ridiculous. Jack: Ah! Oh shit shit shit shit! Gavin: Ryan, you are miles back. Ryan: Oh yeah. Yeah, I’m- Gavin: You’re half a marathon away. Ryan: Turns out, uh… boats don’t turn well. Geoff: Test of skill. Jack: Do I have to get out or anything or just go through? Matt: You don’t have to if you don’t wanna resupply, Jack. Jack: I’m pretty good. I’m doing alright. Gavin: Is there a biathlon? Geoff: Jack choosing not to resupply. Jeremy: That- That’s a bad choice for me. I only got one boat left. Jack: Oh I grabbed a shit ton of boats. Jeremy: Oh yeah, I grabbed four. Geoff: That is not a shit ton. Jack: You wanna see this Matt? Geoff: Of course if Jack dies for any reason, he’s gotta go back to the beginning. Ryan: That would be a shame. Jack: I moved my meat by accident. Matt: It’s alright, you’re in the boat section. Geoff: Oh no! Ryan: A sudden reversal! Gavin: Geoff! Move! Gavin: MOOOOOVE!!! Matt: Alright, Jack already past the first checkpoint Jack: I like that the rings go all the way down to the ocean floor. Geoff: Gavin is just a head for some reason. Gavin: Only on one side. Matt: We have a lot of detail here, Jack. Jeremy: Oh man, I’m in second. Gavin: I’m just a head? Geoff: Oh that’s Jeremy. Never mind. Jeremy: No I’m not just a head. Jeremy: I’m more than that… Ryan: Guys! How is it up there? Ryan: It must be nice, right? Geoff: I’ve slipped into third place. Jack: VROOM! Geoff: Michael’s really missing out. Jeremy: See I might’ve only grabbed four boats, but I left my body behind! Lightweight! Gavin: I can’t believe Michael missed another Minecraft. Geoff: Yeah, he’s gonna be real happy about it. Gavin: Where is he? Is he- miss his flight again? What happened? Geoff: Nah, he’s just out, on vacation. Jack: He’s in New Jersey. Geoff: Y’know, that place you go to for vacation, New Jersey. Jack: Uh, hey Matt, where do we go after this? Matt: Through that ring. Gavin: Hoboken! Gavin: Geoff, can we have a company vacation to Hoboken? Geoff: Sure Gavin: Oh, did, uh… did TPG talk to you about going to Poland? That’d be cool. Geoff: TPG wants to go to Poland? Matt: The TPG? Geoff: Nah, what do we do in Poland? Gavin: We’re playing a game. Jeremy: Yeah. Geoff: Alright Jeremy: He talked to everybody. Not me, but, I mean, everybody. Gavin: He talked to me, and I said yes, we’ll do it. Geoff: Yeah, I’ll go. When? Gavin: Next, uh… end of the month. Geoff: Ah, christ… Jeremy: Can I… can I come? Ryan: Uh… well I’m not going. Geoff: Is it like Warsaw? Gavin: (angry) Why not Ryan? Ryan: Cause I got kids! Gavin: Kids have kids. Jeremy: Yeah, me to Ryan. It’s not stopping me. Ryan: Shut u- no you don’t. Geoff: I’m going to fuckin San Francisco Thursday. Ryan: Unless you’re announcing something. Jeremy: Nah. Jeremy: I got millions of could be kids. Gavin: AH for God’s sake Geoff! Jack: What’s in San Francisco? Matt: What’d you do Gavin? Geoff: Dude’s that shit they’re pants while walking down the street. Jeremy: That’s whats in San Francisco. Gavin: I- Geoff has broken my boat four times. Geoff Laughs Ryan: Chicken! Jeremy: I mean, he’s not even trying I bet. Gavin: Who’s behind me? No one. Matt: No one. Yeah, you are in a hard last. Geoff: How’s everybody’s stamina? Ryan: No, I’m in hard last. I haven’t seen anybody ever. Jeremy: Your stamina doesn’t do anything in boats, right Geoff?. You’re just sitting down. Geoff: Nah I mean like stamina in general, like you’re rowing, in theory. Jeremy: Oh yeah, my thumb hurts. Jack: My left thumb is hurting right now. Ryan: I punched a chicken at the beginning and that was the end of me. Jeremy: Oh Ryan, your bloodlust, man. Gavin: Uh the- Gavin: The pig is looking at me! What- what do you want from me, pig? Geoff: I got a really good friend who does triathlons for a living. Geoff: She’s in the Olymnpics. Jack: How does that pay? Geoff: Gotta say, uh… you gotta really hate yourself to wanna… Jeremy: I’m going slow now. Geoff: Run and swim and bike this long. Ryan: How often do they just pee and poop on themselves. Geoff: I would assume all the time. Ryan: It’s gotta happen. Geoff: I’ve never asked her, but I should. Geoff: Next time I see her. Matt: You think that improves your time? Gavin: Just wear a little nappy. Matt: Like you weigh less. Jeremy: Yeah, you get lighter. Matt: Yeah. Geoff: What’s the potty situation. Ryan: Maybe you just suck it all in. Gavin: Aim your vagina backwards and you’ve got thrust. Ryan: There you go. Matt: Nah dude, it’s like an oil slick. Geoff: Aim your vagina backwards and you’ve got thrust. That makes total sense. Jack: Uh, I don’t know where I’m going. It hasn’t loaded. Jeremy: Just keep going straight, Jack. You got it. Gavin: I’m pretty sure the game crashed like 10 minutes ago. Geoff: Don’t help his dumb ass out. Ryan: Is that another chicken? Matt: You found it. Matt: Oh there’s another checkpoint. Is that your second checkpoint Jack? Jack: That’s my second checkpoint. Gavin: Does speed help boats? Jack: Halfway? Matt: Yeah, halfway. Ryan: This, uh… this is real slow. Geoff: Jack’s getting tired! Ryan: I miss the PC version of this when they go real fast in boats. Gavin: Yeah, and there’s drift? Ryan: It goes so fast that the server crashes. Gavin: Why didn’t we do this on PC?
Ryan: It goes so fast that the server crashes. Ryan: Y’know, it’s a good question. Jack: Hey can you rebuild this on PC real quick? Gavin: I remember when we start- JEREMY: WOAH! Ryan: Speed boost! Gavin: When we saw the boats on PC, we were like “Aw we should really do like a boating Let’s Play”. Gavin: And we do it in the old version. Geoff: Remember when we boated so fast, we broke the game? Geoff: The game was like “Stop! Stop boating!” Ryan: You’re going too fast! I can’t- Ryan: It was like “either the server time is broken, or you’re moving too fast” is what the error was. Gavin: (singing) Moving too fast! Geoff: The game said “We didn’t know people could be this talented at boating”. Matt: How do you move too fast in Minecraft?
Geoff: The game said “We didn’t know people could be this talented at boating”. Geoff: The game said “We didn’t know people could be this talented at boating”. Ryan: Cause it’s coded in a dead language called Java. Geoff: Sanskrit. Matt Laughs Gavin: Java is very much alive. Matt: Jeremy has his head down on his desk just holding forward. Ryan: Uh, is anybody else just crawling? Gavin: Yeah. Ryan: Yeah, ok, good. Geoff: Yeah, I mean, you gotta, like- Geoff: You don’t wanna fuckin sprint. Jeremy: You gotta learn how to crawl before you learn how to walk and learn how to walk before you learn how to boat and learn how to boat before you learn how to run… Ryan: Second checkpoint coming up! Matt: Oh Ryan! Ryan: I’m catching up, right? Matt: That chicken really did a number on you. Gavin: I feel like walking is easier than crawling. Matt: I apologize, I thought Gavin was in last. Gavin: Use less limbs. Jeremy: Tell that to a baby. Ryan: Aah! Jeremy: Aw fuck! Ryan: And I just lost half my progress. Geoff laughs. Jeremy: (mocking) Half my progress. Geoff: Ryan’s back at the first checkpoint now. Geoff Ryan & Gavin: (singing) Take it to the limit one more time! Gavin: (singing) Push it to the limit! Geoff: (singing) Walk along the razor’s edge! Jack: There were no checkpoints for a while. then there’s three back to back to back. Matt: Well we’re curving you Jack. Jack: Ok. Matt: It’s a complicated course. Ryan: Alright, now- Geoff: It’s fucking with your mind. Ryan: Is there a shortcut that I can take? Matt: If you can make that boat go over land- Jeremy: Aah! Matt: Yes. Ryan: I mean I can pick up the boat. Jeremy: Aah! Matt: No, the boat has to be under you the whole time. Jeremy: I was trying to make a really tight tutn on that, trying to save a little time, hit the thing. Gavin: Is there a shortcut? Matt: There’s no shortcut. Geoff: No. Matt: Not for this part. Jeremy: For the running, there is. Right? Matt: The next parts, there shortcuts though. Gavin: Ah sweet. Geoff: Just like in a real triathlon. Matt: Exactly. Jack: I don’t know where I’m going! Gavin: Here’s a shortcut. Jeremy: Like, you could run, but, like, there’s shortcuts, like the bus. Matt: Gavin, no!
Jeremy: Like, you could run, but, like, there’s shortcuts, like the bus. Matt: That’s an illegal move! Jack: I’m gonna go to the airport and get in a plane.
Matt: He just cheated. Geoff: (singing) Take it to the limit Matt: I’m docking five points from your overall score. Ryan: Didn’t that actually happen not that long ago? Jack: Yeah, some guy got in a car. Gavin: I’ll take the five hit. Gavin: See, some people are calling him a cheater, I’d call him intelligent. Ryan: Yeah. Matt: That’s true. Jack: Ah! Third checkpoint! Gavin: Oh! Geoff: Third checkpoint. Matt: You are getting close to the end there, Jack. Jack: How many checkpoints are there? Geoff: Seventeen. Matt: Uh… s-sure! Matt: Seventeen. Geoff Laughs Gavin: What did you stream today Lil J? Jeremy: Uh… Party Hard. Geoff: Oh that’s a good game. Jeremy: Great game. Geoff: We should get back to that game. Jeremy: I beat five or six levels I think? Matt: You haven’t broken anything though. Jeremy: I really got fucked up on the level where you play as the chick. Geoff: I think the boat was the last level that- Geoff: Oh! It’s gone. Ryan: Axialmatt has left the game! Jeremy: Oh no that’s gonna be bad, isn’t it? Matt: That’s gonna be bad for Geoff. Geoff: Can I get… back in? Matt: Yeah you can get back in. Ryan: I might not be last! Gavin: Just wait until I’ve passed you before you get back in. Matt: You remember in the triathlon where you just stopped existing for a few minutes? Jeremy: Hey, Geoff’s back in! Gavin: Yeah, I just saw Geoff pop back into existence. Jeremy: Oooh Geoff found a pothole! One of those ocean whirlpools. Ryan: It’s the first time I’ve seen a player since the beginning. Geoff: Now I’m behind Gavin somehow. Gavin: Ayoooo! Everyone Laughs Gavin: Now I can’t crash my dumb boat into Geoff. Jack: This is actually pretty close to Brazil cause you gotta figure, y’know, people are just gonna vanish when they’re racing down there. Geoff: Maybe later on you’ll find my toe somewhere. Jeremy: It’s like the checkpoints are… I feel like they’re getting smaller. Ryan: By the way, how… how are we still having an Olympics… in Brazil? Jack: Yeah that… people are gonna get killed down there. Ryan: Well not even that, cause basically the World Health Organization has said “this is a horrible idea”. Matt: They’re not gonna get killed down there. They’re gonna get killed along the way.
Ryan: Well not even that, cause basically the World Health Organization has said “this is a horrible idea”. Ryan: Well not even that, cause basically the World Health Organization has said “this is a horrible idea”. Geoff: Yeah. Ryan: They’re gonna spread Zika virus across the entire planet. Gavin: But people are already traveling. They’re already gonna get Zika. Gavin: It’s already gonna be in every country it will be in. Ryan: But it doesn’t have to be! Matt: Gavin, that’s like saying “oh it’s just somewhere, let’s just spread it everywhere”. Gavin: Yeah, I mean it’s already gonna spread everywhere. Geoff: Gavin, you’re talking about the difference between people who go to Brazil and over a million people going to Brazil for the Olympics. Gavin: Look, all it takes is one outbreak in one place for it to be there. Jack: Ok. Matt: Yeah but- Gavin: People from those countries will be there anyway. Matt: Yeah, but when you like throw fuel on the outbreak fire, what are you expecting? Ryan: I mean there’s a difference between one person goes back to Germany and maybe he doesn’t get bit by a mosquito while he’s there, maybe he does. Geoff: Here’s the deal! Geoff: Dan has sex with one girl, she gets VD. Ryan: Yeah. Geoff: Dan has sex with 1000 girls, they ALL get VD. Jack! Oh shit! I see run!
Geoff: Dan has sex with 1000 girls, they ALL get VD. Jack: I see run! Geoff: In turn, those 1000 girls probably make more mistakes than Dan. Geoff: And suddenly the entire world has got chlamydia. Jack: Alright, I’m very close to run. I’m gonna down my potion of swiftness just as I get there. Matt: You might wanna set your spawn. There’s some beds there if you wanna take a quick nap. Gavin: Dan has a real bad reputation with the ladies. Ryan: Oh gee, I wonder why.
Jack: Is there a likelihood I might die? Jack: Is there a likelihood I might die? Matt: I mean, who knows? Jack: Jesus… Ryan: Gavin, you’re half the source of that reputation! Gavin: Yeah, but it’s not even that bad, like he doesn’t even- Matt: People die in triathlon’s all the time Jack.
Gavin: Yeah, but it’s not even that bad, like he doesn’t even- Ryan: What do you mean he’s not that bad? Gavin: I mean, he strikes out more than he gets… more than he gets some. Ryan: Yeah, but he gets some a lot still! Geoff: He swings for the fences 482 times a day. OOOOOOHHHHH!!! Gavin: He hasn’t actually shagged that many people, I don’t think. Matt: Alright, Jack is in the- Matt: Jack’s in the running section, so Jack- Jeremy: C’mere! Geoff: I’m gonna be nice to Dan. Matt: Yeah. Geoff: I’m not gonna get specific. Matt: There’s a path here for the checkpoints. Matt: You don’t have to follow the path, but the path will help you. Jeremy: C’mere Jack! Jack: Well then, how else do I know where I’m supposed to go? Jeremy: Look for the gates. Jack: Oh there’s an egg! I picked up an egg! Gavin: Dude, hatch it! Gavin: Put it in an incubator. Matt: That’d be really good. Jeremy: Ooh come here Jack. Geoff: Oh man. Jack: What, is like that one on the left there? Matt: Yeah, that one on the left, see? Matt: It’s like, you could’ve cut right there. Geoff: Oh yeah, I wonder if I have… exhaustion disabled still. Jack: HUP!!! Jack: AAAHHHH!!! Jack: Ow fuck! Jack: What you find out is you have to hit it. Matt: You can go right through it. It doesn’t really matter. Jack: Wait, where the fuck do I go from here? Geoff: Man I’m pissed about losing and getting kicked out of the game. Matt: You’re in the running section now though, Geoff. Geoff: Thanks for pausing everybody while I was out. Jeremy: You’re welcome. Ryan: Dude! No one paused for me in the chicken incident. Jeremy: Eh, fuck your chicken. Matt: That was your stupidity though. Jack: Oh there’s Gavin! Gavin’s shortcutting! Jack: Ok, Gavin’s in second now. Gavin: I’m coming up on Lil J. Jeremy: No you’re not! Gavin: Yep Matt: He’s right behind you. Jeremy: No he’s not. Ryan: AAAAHHHH!!! Jack: Yell more. Ryan: I passed Geoff! Jack: Y’all are gonna run out of food. Gavin: I dunno why I’m jumping, that’s just gonna make me tired more. Gavin: Ahh! Jeremy’s stopped for a snackle!
Ryan: Sure does, but it makes you faster. Jeremy: I did! Matt: Ooh Jack from behind!
Gavin: Ah!! Jack just shot by! Jeremy: Had a little bit of jerk. Ryan: Ah… outta run juice… Gavin: *bird noises* Geoff: We have to go through each one, right? Jack: No you don’t, apparently. Geoff: Oh we don’t? Matt: I said you did, but… ok. Gavin: Dude, obviously. Matt: I said you need to go through them. The path- Jack: No, you said you could- what? Matt: I said the path leads you to them. Jack: That makes no sense! Matt: What do you mean it makes no sense? Gavin: It makes sense Jack. Jeremy: Alright, so I can’t go straight to that one then. Jack: I probably missed two or three then. Gavin: Yeah, I did too, but I did it on purpose. Jack: Jeremy, you have to go left here. Jeremy: You’re right. I didn’t see that one. Matt: You can still… like go to that one. That’s one of the shortcuts. Jeremy: Ooooooooooh I’m through! Jack: *laughs* I saw you hook it. Geoff: *singing* Take it to the limit Jeremy: Aw c’mon, run run, did my potion just- no I still got it. Gavin: Poteon.
Jeremy: Aww c’mon! Jump! Jump! Jeremy: Shut up Gavin. Gavin: Ow, my… shin ankle. Jeremy: I thought you were gonna say “ow, my feelings”. Geoff: Man, uh… Gavin: Wow, how did you mow all this lawn? Gavin: And keep it mowed? Matt: It’s uh… it’s my special secret. I don’t wanna tell you. Jeremy: It’s coarse dirt. Matt: Shut up. Everyone laughs Geoff: I am hardcore in last place now. Matt: It only took you getting kicked out of the game. Jeremy: Aah Geoff!
Matt: It only took you getting kicked out of the game. Matt: Oh he punched you while you were eating! Matt: You’re gonna choke on that. Gavin: The ol’ eat n’ punch. Jack: Woah, you just like… what the hell? Jeremy: See ya! Jack: How did- I didn’t even see you go past me… Jeremy screams Matt: Aww damnit! Jeremy: *laughing* Fuck you Matt! Matt: I wanted you to jump in there so bad. Jack: Someone’s gonna go in there. Gavin: I feel like some sushi. Ryan: Ooh, that’d be good. Jack: You feel like raw fish? Matt: You should’ve grabbed that before you started the triathalon, Gavin.
Jack: You feel like raw fish? Matt: You should’ve grabbed that before you started the triathalon, Gavin. Geoff whines Gavin: We- uh… Gavin: Would you take fifty… fifty grand… Gavin: In life
Geoff & Matt: Yes Gavin: But every time you eat… Gavin: It has to be punched into your mouth. Ryan: Augh! Geoff: No. Ryan: No, not for fifty grand. Matt: Do they miss my teeth?
Ryan: No, not for fifty grand. Gavin: No, they just like, throw the food in the air, then punch it, and you have to catch it in your mouth. Matt: Oh yeah, absolutely. Jeremy: But everything you eat? Imagine if you’re real hungry.
Ryan: I mean, that’s only for fifty grand. Jack: Do you get fifty grand every time they do it? Gavin: No. Matt: I’m just imagining me trying to eat soup. Everyone laughs Gavin: You’d have to go- *slurp* and suck up some of the steam. Jeremy: “I want some pasta!” It’s one noodle at a time. Everyone laughs Matt: That’d be terrible for the dude punching though, right? Jeremy: Nah, he’s strong. Jack: Alright, well eating’s not working anymore. Jeremy: You gotta do it for a long time. Matt: Oh Jeremy, you- Matt: You avoided the other obstacle. Gavin: I’m lost now. I dunno where I am. Matt: You’re on the path. Gavin: Yeah, but like, everyone’s gone. Where’d they all go? Jeremy: Oh my potion’s worn off! Ryan: I mean, I haven’t seen anybody in forever. Matt: You’re going the right way Gavin. Jack: Oh shit! Gavin: Sweet! Ryan: I assume Geoff is right behind me somewhere. Jack: Oh, my potion’s gone. Ryan: Are you not? Matt: Geoff still has his stored up. Jack & Jeremy: *singing* Take it to the limit Gavin: *singing* Take a look at me noooow Jack: Useless bridge… Matt: Jack is at the useless bridge. Matt: That is the halfway point for the running section. Jack: Ugh! Gavin: Did you- Everyone: OOOOOOHHHHHHH!!! Jeremy: After all that time shitting on Geoff. Ryan: Sounds like Ryan’s moving up another spot! Gavin: Alright, connection failed, the server is full. Jack: Yaaay! Matt: How is the server full? Ryan: Did someone just join? Matt: There’s no way. Gavin: And now it’s not there. Jeremy: Gavin Free has forfeited the triathlon! Gavin: Huh… Ryan: Stumbled! Geoff: Got caught doping.
Ryan: He broke his leg! Jeremy: Heatstroke! Gavin: I’m gonna start my own world and make a new triathlon. Jack: With hookers and blackjack! Geoff: With… better jokes! Gavin: Someone send me an invite… Ryan: I’m so slow now. Geoff: Somebody invite Gavin. Jack: Nah. Jeremy: Meh. Ryan: Useless bridge. Gavin: Ah! It’s there! Ryan: I feel like Jack should have to do it cause he’s in front. Jack: No I’m not! Jack: Fuckin Jeremy’s in the lead right now. Jeremy: No I’m not. Ryan: I feel like Jeremy should have to do it, cause he’s in front. Jeremy: Gavin joined the game. Did it. Matt: Gavin’s in the game. Matt: Well Gavin, you got some ground to cover. Gavin: Yeah. Gavin: Don’t even know which way I’m facing. Jeremy: Probably the right way. Jack: Probably north.
Geoff: One would assume. Matt: Yeah. Jeremy: Shit! Matt: You’re going the right way though, Gavin. Jeremy: Oh shit! Ryan: Oh shit! Geoff & Jack: Oh shit! Jeremy: The track’s gone. Geoff: Oh shit! Matt: It’s ok, you figured it out. Jack: Track’s gone, and there’s nothing in front of me. Jeremy: Figure it out! WHO? ME! WHOBIGAH!!! Ryan: Alright. Jeremy: Billy the answer-head man, get with it! Ryan: Who? Geoff: Billy the answer-head. Ryan: Who? Jack: What? Geoff: No idea. Ryan: Hey! Woah woah woah! Jack: What the fuck is that! Jeremy: Oh no! Wait wait wait! Matt laughs Jack: Well that’s some bullshit! Ryan: Beat him to death! Geoff: How did that happen? Matt: Gavin, that’s another five points I’m taking off. Gavin: *laughs* Only five? Sweet! Gavin: I’m doing great! Jeremy: It’s quite a leg up you got from me, boy! Jeremy: Are you like right behind me now? Gavin: Yeah. Matt: I guess, to be fair, I didn’t say you couldn’t teleport. Gavin: Alright, I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the next player. Gavin: Oh, maybe I’ll lay a trap! Jeremy: I wanna play Dead By Daylight now that you said that. Ryan: Uh-huh. Geoff: I wanna play fuckin Overcooked. Jeremy: Wait, so what was it? Explain it to me. Gavin: AUGH! Ryan: You’re like chefs. Geoff: And you have to work together. Jack: That was a lot of fun. Gavin: Geoff can’t play. Jeremy, replace him. Geoff: Yeah, it’s true. I gotta go to a meeting. You should replace me. Jeremy: Ok. Jack: Chef Yeremy! Gavin: *mocking* Ok. Ryan: Ready to go into world 2 with a rookie? Ryan: I dunno, that’s risky. Jack: YOU DONKEH!!! Gavin: So is anyone sick of this Pokemon Go yet? Geoff: Yeah. Matt: No! Shut your mouth! Jack: Yeah, it’s pretty fun. Jack: Geoff, how much you play this weekend? Geoff: None. Nah… like two minutes. Jack: Ok, so how much did you play this weekend? Geoff: I caught like three Pokemon by town lake, and then that was it. Jack: There’s no way you did that in two minutes.
Geoff: I caught like three Pokemon by town lake, and then that was it. Geoff: I caught like three Pokemon by town lake, and then that was it. Matt: Geoff, that’s more Pokemon than I thought you’d ever catch.
Gavin: I’m pissed because there’s a flipping PokeStop right outside my damn house, and I can’t leave the front door anymore. Gavin: I’m pissed because there’s a flipping PokeStop right outside my damn house, and I can’t leave the front door anymore. Jack: Oh really? Jeremy: Well, cause fans will see him. Gavin: Yeah. Jeremy: That sucks. Jack: I was cleaning my hou- or I was cleaning out my front yard this weekend. Jack: Like I… trimmed some trees and stuff. Jack: And I got a tweet later that day that said- it was a kid, said “I was cruising my neighborhood looking at Pokemon Go, and I saw Jack in his front yard.” Gavin: Yeah! It’s just gonna make people see us in life! Jack: But I wasn’t even playing! Matt: What’s wrong with that, Gavin? Go outside, have some fun. Geoff: Don’t be scared of the audience. Matt: Yeah. Matt: They love you.
Geoff: They’re not scared of you. Jack: They’re terrified of him. Geoff: Yeah they are. Matt: Alright Jeremy! Jeremy is at the riding section! Geoff: Jeremy’s at the riding section? Jeremy: Yeah, I’m gonna sleep. Can I sleep? Jack: Aww Gavin! Gavin!
Jeremy: Yeah, I’m gonna sleep. Can I sleep? Jack: Gavin, you missed the checkpoint you son of a bitch! Gavin: No I didn’t Jack! Jack: It’s over here! Where you at? Jack: I just watched you run past it? Jeremy: How do I do it? Matt: Hit the post that it’s connected to. Jeremy: Did I do it? Matt: Uh, no, I don’t think you did. Gavin: Jack! Fall in the hole! Matt: That should be it. There you go. Jeremy: Oh I did it! Jack: HOLD THE DOOR! Matt: Jeremy has detached his bike. Jeremy: Alright, where do I go? Where do I go>Matt: To the left! To the left! Gavin: Oh sweet! We got bikes? That’s awesome! Jack: Wait, what? Ok, how do I do this? Matt: See the checkpoint?
Jack: Wait, what? Ok, how do I do this? Jeremy: Yeah? Matt: Ok. Ryan: Aww I see it! Gavin: Let’s goooooo! Matt: For the riding section, there are checkpoints to lead the way. Gavin: How do I detach my horse hole? Matt: You have to get back to Achievement City. That’s your goal. Gavin: Oww! Geoff: First person to stand on the star in Achievement City- downtown Achievement City is the winner. Matt: I think, I’m there. Give me a high five, and you win. Gavin: Jack just twatted my horse in the face. Jeremy: Oh! Oooh! Matt: How do you twat a horse? Gavin: He punched it. Ryan: I hope I get a fast horse! Gavin: How does my horse suck? Jeremy: Ooh God! OOOHDEDOOOO!!! Everyone laughs Jeremy: I fell off a cliff. Ryan: You look quick! Gavin: Matt, this is some effort you’ve done here. Matt: Dude, I mean, it wasn’t alone. Peyton helped me out. Gavin: It’s not fun or anything, but its good effort. Matt: Are triathlons generally fun, Gavin? Jack: Where the fuck do I go from here? Gavin: People watch them, right? Geoff: Matt, you get A for asshole. Ryan: I don’t know that people actually watch them. Do they? Gavin: Why is my horse so slow? Jeremy: Oh crap! Matt: You picked the bike that had a deflated tire. Geoff: I’d like to point out again that it’s real bullshit- Jack screams Jeremy: I don’t know where the checkpoint is. I’m lost. Matt: You went the wrong way. Jack: I lost- my goddamn horse is drowning! Ryan: I’m already lost.
Matt: Is that the first one you got? Jeremy: Yeah? Jack: Oh horse! Stupid horse! Matt: Though honestly, you just go that way, you’re good. Geoff: How do I de-tether the horse? Jeremy: I see it! I see the checkpoint! Jack! Ah! My horse is drowning! Matt: Gavin, are you killing his bike? Jack: Augh! Gavin! Jack: He shoved it under the ice! Everyone laughs Jack: Gavin tried to murder my horse! Gavin: Whey! It was- it had an accident! Gavin: It’s like the Grand National. There’s always a horse that dies. Jeremy: Yeah, popped a tire. Jack: Alright, there we go. Where the fuck do we- oh, there it is. Geoff: Alright, just any of these horses here Matt?
Matt: Gavin, I’m just have to keep deducting five points from you. Jeremy: Any horse Geoff. Gaivn: I’ve lost like 28- 25 points at this point. Geoff: How do I get on this fucking thing? Ryan: 28 25. Augh! Sorry horsie. Matt: Oh, uh… hit the post right there. Gavin: What a jump I did right there! Wow! Jeremy: *gasp* Oh my God! I think I know where I am! Gavin: Jack, is your horse a- OWW!!! Gavin: How is your horse so fast? Jack: I dunno, it’s probably happy. Jeremy: Go horse! Ryan: Go! Jeremy: Go horse! Ryan: Uh -oh. Jeremy: Aww man! I’m gonna get diabetes on my feeties! I know where I am! Gavin: Hold the horse! Jeremy: Hold the door! Jack: Aww! Sweet jump! Jeremy: NOO!!! There’s a door! Gavin: I’m… trotting. Geoff: Why is my horse faster? Gavin: I got the trotts. Matt: Your horse should be fast, Geoff. Matt: They’re all pretty fast, except for Gavin’s. Gavin: Are you serious? Did I actually pick a daft horse? Matt: You got the shitty one. Everyone laughs Jeremy: Is there any way to get a horse out of the water? Gavin: Why would you make a shit horse? Jack: Uh, you gotta kinda keep riding it till you get to the edge. Geoff: We gotta build a horse bridge. Jack: Gavin almost murdered mine. Gavin: Nah… Ryan: Hi Gavin! Jeremy: C’mon you dumb fuck! Gavin: Ah for gah- Ryan! You overtake me for God’s sake! Ryan laughs Gavin: My horse sucks! Matt: You picked him! Gavin: Alright, my horse, I’m naming it Hibbert. Matt: Hibbet? Jeremy: Come here! Geoff: Like Roy Hibbert? The basketball player? Matt: Is he famously slow? Jack: No. Gavin: Well he ain’t fast. Matt: Well that’s fair. Geoff: He’s not fa- yeah. Ryan: Uh… God, the- Jeremy: Go! Go! Go! Ryan: So much lag! Ryan: Go horse! Jack: Goddamnit Gavin! Gavin: Oh what is that? A big cake? Gavin: Oh, it’s cake wall. Matt: That’s the cake wall. Gavin: Oh, that’s what Jeremy was on about. Jeremy: Diabetes on your feeties. Gavin: What’s this pyramid thing? Matt: You’ve gone off the path. Jeremy: Yep. Jeremy: Well, you said I didn’t have to go through the checkpoints, so fuck you! Jack: What, you don’t have to go through checkpoints? Matt: You don’t have to- Geoff: He very clearly said you don’t in the riding part. Geoff: Even I heard him. Matt: We cannot be held responsible if you don’t pay attention to the rules. Everyone laughs Jack: Who’s we? Jeremy: Y’know, the board. Geoff: Yeah, the triathlon committee. Geoff: Great jump! Matt: Just hanging out? Gavin: Kill me. Jack: So we just gotta get to the star in Achievement City, right? Matt: Yes. Jack: Alright. Geoff: My goal is to not come in last. Jeremy: Come on, horse! Jack: Aw I just lit my horse on fire! Matt: Gavin’s helping you out Geoff. Jack: *laughing* He jumped into the torch! Geoff: Where’s Gavin? Matt: I don’t know. Matt: I don’t know where Jeremy is either though. Geoff: I mean, I guess I could not come in last if I wanna be like Gavin and just teleport to first place. Gavin laughs Gavin: Geoff, don’t be a filthy cheater. Geoff laughs Gavin: AWW C’MON!!! Jeremy: C’mon horse! Jack: That’s my favorite part of the triathlon. When you just stop moving. Jack: Oh, ok. Ryan just passed me. Gavin: It would be quicker on foot for christ’s sake, this- Matt: Do you typically ride bikes in trees? Gavin: Dumb Hibbert prick! Matt: That’s fair. Geoff: There’s a, uh… Ryan: Oh! Made it. Geoff: Things to Do we haven’t done yet. Ryan: Shit! Gavin: What, the bar? Ryan: Ah! God! Where’d I go? Jeremy: Ow! Geoff: No, not the bar. Jeremy: It’s around here somewhere! Ryan: I don’t know where to go! Geoff: Cake wall! Jack: Get up, horse! Ryan: I don’t see the torches anymore! Matt: I think you might… be lost- Geoff: Or not cake wall. What was it called? Geoff: What was the cake thing called? Jeremy: What’s that? What’s that in the distance? Jeremy: What’s that, Matt? Matt: Oh no! Jeremy: Is that Geoff’s house? Matt: You may have found it!
Jeremy: GET ME OUT OF THE TREES!!! Matt: Gavin, fuck you. Ryan: Did he teleport again? Jeremy: AAAHHH!!! Matt: Oh no, that’s even meaner! Jeremy: Gavin, no! Gavin, don’t teleport me! Jeremy: Don’t do it! He’s looking at my screen! He’s gonna wait for the perfect moment! Jeremy: Hold on, I’m still a ways away Jeremy: I’m frozen! Ryan: I’m stuck! Jack: I would like to move. Geoff: LET ME GO!!! Everyone: *singing* Let me go! Let me go! Ryan: *singing* That’s not the way the song goes. Frantic singing Gavin: Who’s BIG JOHNY 64? Jack & Ryan: What? Jeremy screams Gavin: I didn’t mean to teleport you, I meant to teleport Big Johny. Gavin: Oh what? Jeremy: OOHH NOOOO!!! Matt: *laughing* You did it to yourself! Gavin: Jeremy did it himself! Jeremy: NOOOO!!! Jack: He did it himself? Gavin: He twatted me in the hand and I pressed it by accident! Jeremy: No! My horse! It left my horse! Gavin: Ah sweet, here’s a horse! Jack: You don’t have a horse anymore? Jeremy: AUGH!!! Matt: Oh my God, so I think Jack is- Gavin: So, I was hovering over BIG JOHNY 64- Ryan: I’m lost.
Gavin: So, I was hovering over BIG JOHNY 64- Gavin: So, I was hovering over BIG JOHNY 64- Matt: Jack, you kept with the checkpoints. Gavin: Jeremy twatted it and it teleported him. Matt: You kept with the checkpoints too. Jeremy: No! Damnit! Matt: You’re going the right way. Matt: See, look at that. Jack: Well, I know where it is. Matt: Well that’s fair too. Jack: Oh, why did it sound like I turned into Christopher Walken all of a sudden? Jack: *impression* Eh, I know where it is. Geoff: That was… Jack: That was Christopher Walken. Geoff: Quite possibly the worst Christopher Walken impression I have ever heard. Jeremy whines Everyone laughs Geoff: I went the long way around reign of fire. Matt: Jeremy had it too. It looks like it’s gonna be Jack. Jeremy: I was in Achievement City when you teleported me. Gavin: I also went the wrong way and warped though… Jack: Yaaay! Ryan: Oh no! Matt: Give ’em a high five. Jack: Aaaaaand… whack. Jeremy: Aww, Jack wins! Geoff: Well, we still got second and third place medals to give out. Matt: That’s true. Gavin: I mean, Jeremy wins, really. Matt: Uh oh. Jack: Nah, he’s not here. Matt: Nah, I mean, it’s true. Matt: Something happened to him. Not sure what. Gavin: Jeremy, why did you hit my hand on the A button? Jeremy: Cause you were sitting there waiting for it! I was watching you! Gavin: But you made it happen! I might not have pressed it! Jeremy: I went to hit the controller out of your hand, and you went *SQUAK* and then you hit it. Jack: What are the signs for? Matt: I don’t know. That’s a Larry thing. Gavin: Jeremy, are you secretly BIG JOHNY 64? Everyone laughs Gavin: Cause he was the one I teleported. Ryan: Yeah, what’re you talking about? Jack: Hey, there’s Geoff! Jeremy: When there’s other people in the game, Gavin- Geoff: WHAT A COMEBACK FROM WORST TO SECOND!!! Jeremy: If you teleport them, it just grabs someone else. Jack: Here comes Ryan! Matt: Ryan coming right in third. Gavin: So you probably did teleport BIG JOHNY 64, but it just grabs, like, someone else cause they’re not actually in the game. Gavin: Oh weird. Gavin: So if I teleport SIck Boar… oh, he’s gone. Geoff: You did it! Give me five! I can’t believe I got second place! Jeremy: AUGH!!! Geoff: I can’t believe Jeremy sucks so bad! Jeremy: Damnit! Gavin: I was trying to teleport Hammersquash! Jeremy: Son of a bitch! Everyone: Hammersquash? Gavin: I keep teleporting like the strangers in the game, and it’s always Lil J! Jack: There’s no strangers in this game! Gavin: There are! There’s Hammersquash! Gavin: And BIG JOHNY 12! Matt: There you go, Jeremy came in fourth. Geoff: Gavin’s losing his mind. Geoff: Wow Jeremy, you really blew it man. Jeremy: God damnit! Everyone laughs Gavin: I made it. Matt: What happened there at the very end? Gavin: Man, the framerate at Achievement City is 30, but everywhere else, it’s 60. Matt: Well there’s a lot of boats on the ground now, so… Jack: I’m placing boats for everyone. Matt: So Jack won! Geoff: Pop a Tower of Pimps, Jack. Jack: Uh, does anyone have the Tower of Pimps? Jack: I used to have it, I don’t know where- I think I won the last thing, right? Matt: Well then put it back up Matt: Why’d you take it down? Geoff: Solid logic there from Matt Bragg. Jack: Uh, I don’t think I did take it down. Jack: I got three blocks here. Gavin: You did it. Matt: Good job. Jack: Yo quiero uno blocko. Gavin: Uh, wha- Jeremy? Jeremy: What’s up? Gavin: What are you doing in my- JEREMY!!! Everyone laughs Gavin: JEREMY!!! Gavin: You get out of there! You get out of there Lil J you bastard! Gavin: Noope! Jeremy: Gavin, you don’t wanna be in there. Gavin: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Jack: *laughing* Gavin blew up! Geoff: Oh no, autosave is on! Jeremy laughs Gavin: My house! Gavin: NAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Jeremy: Hold the house!!! Matt: Autosave is definitely on. Jeremy: HOLD THE HOUSE!!! Ryan: Why do we have autosave on? Gavin: Don’t save! Don’t save! Ryan: Autosave is on. Jeremy: Hold the house!!! Gavin: Wait, so that’s it? It’s like that now? Jeremy laughs Gavin squaks Jack: 1- 2- 3- and I don’t have 4! Gavin squaks Jeremy: Yaay Jack! Gavin: My house! Matt: It’s the Triathlon of Pimps. Gavin: My trophy room of victory! Geoff: Alright, well, good job Jack! Jack: Thank you! Jeremy: Congrats Jack! Geoff: Sorry about- Gavin: BASTARRRRRD!!! Geoff: Sorry about your house, Gavin. Gavin: NOOOOO!!! Geoff: Let’s stop! Geoff: *away from mic* Please tell me we have a backup. Matt: Oh, we don’t.