[cheers and applause] (Rob)
A couple years ago, my wife and I–we,
we bought a house. My favorite feature
was that lining the front
of the property was a fence. This fence had a motor. Right?
Yeah. This was a Hot Rod fence. And there was a button
at the end of the driveway and if you pushed
that button, the gate in front
of the driveway, it opens. And if you press
that button again, it closes. So I was outside one day
at the end of my driveway, just hitting the button.
[mimics gate opening] Pvvvvvvvuh.
Pvvvvvuh. Just passing the time
opening and closing my gate. When my next door neighbor
peeks over her fence. She says, “Hey.
Enjoying your fence, huh? “You know, I–I told
the former owner… “that fence is over height. It’s too high, it actually
violates zoning regulations.” So I said… “Why don’t you mind
your own business, you old, dried up bitch?
Who asked you?” Is what I should have said.
That’s what I should have said. Now, I didn’t think
much of it. And then about two weeks ago,
I’m–I’m walking out my front door, maybe gonna
squeeze in some mid-afternoon opening and closing
of the gate. And I see that my fence… got a ticket. [laughter] That’s right. Somebody from the zoning board,
probably, uh, probably one of
the zoning board cops, pulled over my Hot Rod fence
and gave it a ticket. Now, I like to imagine
when my fence was pulled over, that it was like
kind of a dick. You know, that it was
like, all cocky kind of belligerent. The zoning board guy
pulled him over, he’s like–walks up. Zoning board cop’s like, “You know why I pulled you over
today?” My fence is like,
“Pffff. ‘Cause you went to a state school,
can’t find a better job?” High fives the mailbox!
[laughter] And so this is where–this is
the point where my wife smashes into the story
like some human-sized pitcher of Kool-Aid. And she’s like… “It was that coughing bitch
next door who turned us in.” Quick sidebar. The woman next door,
our neighbor in question, has emphysema–ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha. Not cool. So I said to my wife, like, “What are we gonna do,
Confront her? I mean, she has emphysema.” And my wife’s like,
“Oh, I’ll give her emphysema.” And I was like, “No, no, no.
You don’t have to. You know what, she’s got it.” She’s got the thing. Uh, so, I mean, that was it. There was nothing we could do
except tear the fence down. Um, that’s right. I’m sorry but about–
about a month later, I’m at work and I get
a call from my wife. “Hey!
Hey, what’s going on? “Sorry to bug you at work.
Just a quick question. How do you un-send
an email?” [laughter] And I was like,
“Super-easy. “To un-send an email,
all you do “is live in 1994
when we’re all in dial-up “and that was even
a remote possibility. Why do you want to
un-send an email?” And she’s like,
“Oh, God. “So today, I get an email
from our dying lady “next door, and she’s like,
‘Hey, keep an eye on the people “‘that live behind you,
’cause they’re doing “‘some work on your
retaining wall and it might affect
the slope of your backyard.'” “So,” my wife is saying,
“I forwarded that to you with a note that said,
‘See?'” And I am quoting my wife
directly now. “See? “This proves that it was
that know-it-all [bleep]… [laughter] who turned us in for having
an over-height fence.” And I was like, “Baby, I didn’t
get an email from you.” And she was like,
“I know, because instead of hitting
‘forward,’ I hit ‘reply.'” [laughter] “So what do we do?” “It’s super-easy.
All we have to do is move.” And I was like,
“The only other thing we could do is kill her and make
it look like emphysema.” So my wife, she walked next door and knocked on the door
and apologized face-to-face. – [whistle]
– Yeah. High road.
[applause] So I learned that day
that that’s what you do. You take the high road.
You apologize… to someone’s face. I also learned
from my wife that when you do so,
it’d be helpful to have your newborn baby
in your arms as you do it. She was like,
“Oh, my God. “I am so sorry. “Can you please
find it in your heart “to–oh, did you hear that? Someone’s got the hiccups!” Thank you, everybody.
[cheers and applause]