True Facts About The Armadillo


Here are true facts about the arma-dildo – hmm, that’s a typo. Here are true facts about the arma-dildo – oops I said it again, two times. Armadillos are the last surviving members of the order cingulata the armored new world mammals back when animals were more badass they were more cingulata like the two tongue gliptodonte and the smaller pampatheriidae, which could fart fire and teleport two inches in any direction…who did this research? Jerry? Ugh, geez. All that is left of this proud lineage is the armadillo’s ability to eat fire ants, which is kind of badass. The Aztecs called the armadillo a turtle rabbit In Spanish, it’s name translates to “little armored one” and in Texas they are sometimes referred to as an opossum on the half shell. This is because the armadillo has plates of dermal bone on its back covered with horn and leathery skin. Imagine having a bunch of horny bones on your back constantly rubbing together — I can’t read this…I understand it’s technically right but…ugh, okay. Hence the armadillo is like a tiny gladiator with the only one weak spot: its entire belly. Yes, it can take a downward blow but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep or stepping on a tiny land mine or falling into a pit of boners. All right, that doesn’t exist — no I do understand I mean yes it’s technically vulnerable to that, but I’m saying there is no such thing as a pit of boners in nature. It’s not a threat. All right, I’ll keep going, but Jerry’s an idiot. For the armadillo, when water is concerned everything is the deep end, therefore it has the ability to hold its breath for up to six minutes at a time. There are many species of Armadillo like the giant armadillo named so because it is a fine foot-long giant. The screaming armadillo named so because: (armadillo screeches) as well as the miniature six-inch long pink fairy armadillo. That’s not a fairy; fairies have wings and tiny underpants. I’ve seen them. Other species are named by the number of band they have in the middle of their backs the three banded ar-…that’s a cat…the three banded armadillo is the only species of armadillo that rolls up into a ball when threatened. Just imagine, if when you got scared your first instinct was to put your face is close to your a** as possible, right up in there, that is how the three banded armadillo do. In contrast, the nine banded armadillo can’t roll up into anything so it jumps straight up in the air, three feet when threatened. This is a remarkable defense against…pretty much nothing and it is the opposite of what you should do in the face of a charging Honda. For example, because of all of its armor it can be a geometric challenge for the armadillo to mate. Because of this the armadillo males have a very tiny penis. No, that’s not true, it’s giant — it’s like a third the size of its body I’m just tired of all these animals having giant penises. tired of all these animals having giant penises moment I’m not jealous, I mean it’s not like you can do much with them maybe prop up your iPad when you’re reading or hold the door, I don’t know. Science has learned much from the armadillo, and not just about the penis. For example, some armadillos are polyembryonic creating four identical babies from a single embryo. Also because if its unusually low body temperature the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy. Each year fifty to eighty people contract leprosy from handling armadillos. Just remember, if you spend all of your life hiding behind your armor, your own most likely spend a lot of time sniffing your own butt.

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Reader Comments

  1. João Lança de Carvalho

    Wasn't expecting an applicable aphorism at the end of the video, but "if you spend your whole life hiding behind your armor, you'll most likely spend a lot of time sniffing your own butt" is wisdom refined.

  2. Justin Gem

    When I was younger, I always pronounced armadillo as, “Armadildo,” it wasn’t until I got in trouble in Prep School for saying something, “Inappropriate.”

  3. Bozz Skaggs

    The 'o' in opossum is silent in the S.E. USA west to and including Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and most of Misery. One exception is in Irish heritage communities but the pronunciation is yet different from yours and the spelling is tweaked to O'Possum. Just so you know. Also, the nine-banded armadillo is born dead on the road and later via some means of regeneration moves on the destroy lawns and and golf courses.

  4. John L

    Why do your videos have so many dislikes? Did they miss when they tried to hit the like button? I just can't believe anyone would dislike these intentionally

  5. Yvonne Wilson

    Screaming Armadillo : Armor, check. Claws, check. Hold on…where's my fearsome banshee scream? I KNOW I ordered that…

    rummages through Amazon box and pulls out a bag Ahh, here it is! Wait…what's this? Pissed off cat?! Dafuq is this and what do I need THIS for??!! I mean, it LOOKS cool… Tries it on Well, at least it fits!
    God(after hearing the armadillo scream) : Evolution, what the fuck did you just do?
    Evolution : 🤭🤫

  6. Robert Kubrick

    Except the skin on their bellies is tough as fuck! They do get bigger sometimes. As a kid I investigated a strange rubbing sound coming from under an 1880s pier and beam farm house. It was a generous crawlspace full grown men would fit. It was a 2 ft tall and 40 inch long armadillo. Another interesting fact is that if an armadillo has dug a hole that half his body can fit in, their tail will come off before you pull them out of the hole. Maybe the scientists should hire me as a consultant.

  7. Heathen The Heretic

    Wow I've never laughed and learned so much at the same time.
    I think I watched all of your videos within the last 2 hours.
    Hope you come out with more!

  8. Lonely Ranger

    I thought the leprosy comment was a joke until I googled armadillo and leprosy and found it to be true. I actually learned something new. Just waiting to find a fairy now.

  9. Mortal Clown

    1:37 The video of the armadillo scootching into the sunlight… evoked enormous, sudden melancholy. What the actual f? These videos are bizarre enough without touching on nascent, darkly sentimental armadillo angst. [Best Charlton Heston at end of "Planet of the Apes" on the beach impression: "Ze, GODDAMN YOUUUUUU!!"]

  10. xX Lone Lobo Xx

    My Dad's drunk friend down in Texas one time wanted to catch an Armadillo and he kneeled down to pick it up and it jumped straight up and busted him right in the face.
    (He said it blacked both of his eyes, he also said it was hilarious.)

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