Here are true facts about the arma-dildo – hmm, that’s a typo. Here are true facts about the arma-dildo – oops I said it again, two times. Armadillos are the last surviving members of the order cingulata the armored new world mammals back when animals were more badass they were more cingulata like the two tongue gliptodonte and the smaller pampatheriidae, which could fart fire and teleport two inches in any direction…who did this research? Jerry? Ugh, geez. All that is left of this proud lineage is the armadillo’s ability to eat fire ants, which is kind of badass. The Aztecs called the armadillo a turtle rabbit In Spanish, it’s name translates to “little armored one” and in Texas they are sometimes referred to as an opossum on the half shell. This is because the armadillo has plates of dermal bone on its back covered with horn and leathery skin. Imagine having a bunch of horny bones on your back constantly rubbing together — I can’t read this…I understand it’s technically right but…ugh, okay. Hence the armadillo is like a tiny gladiator with the only one weak spot: its entire belly. Yes, it can take a downward blow but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep or stepping on a tiny land mine or falling into a pit of boners. All right, that doesn’t exist — no I do understand I mean yes it’s technically vulnerable to that, but I’m saying there is no such thing as a pit of boners in nature. It’s not a threat. All right, I’ll keep going, but Jerry’s an idiot. For the armadillo, when water is concerned everything is the deep end, therefore it has the ability to hold its breath for up to six minutes at a time. There are many species of Armadillo like the giant armadillo named so because it is a fine foot-long giant. The screaming armadillo named so because: (armadillo screeches) as well as the miniature six-inch long pink fairy armadillo. That’s not a fairy; fairies have wings and tiny underpants. I’ve seen them. Other species are named by the number of band they have in the middle of their backs the three banded ar-…that’s a cat…the three banded armadillo is the only species of armadillo that rolls up into a ball when threatened. Just imagine, if when you got scared your first instinct was to put your face is close to your a** as possible, right up in there, that is how the three banded armadillo do. In contrast, the nine banded armadillo can’t roll up into anything so it jumps straight up in the air, three feet when threatened. This is a remarkable defense against…pretty much nothing and it is the opposite of what you should do in the face of a charging Honda. For example, because of all of its armor it can be a geometric challenge for the armadillo to mate. Because of this the armadillo males have a very tiny penis. No, that’s not true, it’s giant — it’s like a third the size of its body I’m just tired of all these animals having giant penises. tired of all these animals having giant penises moment I’m not jealous, I mean it’s not like you can do much with them maybe prop up your iPad when you’re reading or hold the door, I don’t know. Science has learned much from the armadillo, and not just about the penis. For example, some armadillos are polyembryonic creating four identical babies from a single embryo. Also because if its unusually low body temperature the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy. Each year fifty to eighty people contract leprosy from handling armadillos. Just remember, if you spend all of your life hiding behind your armor, your own most likely spend a lot of time sniffing your own butt.