Trump Going Crazy Over Gatorgate


WELCOME. I’M JIMMY. I’M THE HOST OF THE SHOW. THANKS FOR WATCHING, THANKS FOR COMING, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON ANOTHER UKRAINY DAY HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. >>YOU KNOW, I SAY THIS A LOT, IT FEELS LIKE I SAY IT EVERY DAY NOW. BUT TODAY REALLY WAS NUTS. IT’S HARD TO IMAGINE THAT NEWS SAYING THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WANTED TO BUILD AN M MOAT FILLED WITH ALLIGATORS AND SNAKES. A REPORT CITES MULTIPLE SOURCES WHO SAY TRUMP WANTED AN MOAT, HE WANTED SNAKES, ALLIGATORS, AN ELECTRIFIED WALL WITH SPIKES ON TOP TO KEEP IMMIGRANTS OUT. HE WAS SAID TO BE SO FRUSTRATED BY LACK OF PROGRESS ON HIS STUPID WALL. AT ONE POINT HE SHOUTED AT EVERYONE, I RAN ON THIS ISSUE, YOU GUYS ARE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT, AND THEY WERE LIKE — SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT, TELL US ABOUT THIS MOAT FILLED WITH ALLIGATORS AND SNAKES. HE SAID SHOOT THEM IN THE LEGS TO SLOW THEM DOWN. AND THEN HE HAD THEM RUN A COST ANALYSIS FOR THIS PLAN, FOR THE SHOOTING AND ATTACK SNAKES PLAN, AND THAT SHOULD BE IT, SHOULDN’T THAT RESULT IN EVERYONE BEING ESCORTED OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND INTO THE WILD? IT SHOULD, BUT IT, IT HASN’T. AND THE PRESIDENT OF COURSE DENIED THESE ALLEGATIONS, NOW HE SAID THE PRESS IS TRYING TO SELL THE FACT THAT I WANTED A MOOT STUFFED WITH ALLIGATORS AND SNAKES. A MOOT IS LIKE A CANADIAN MOAT. IT’S A DIFFERENT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU GUYS KNOW. IT’S PLANNED ON THE SOUTHERN BORDER. HE’S BUILDING AN MOAT. AND AT THE TOP, THERE WILL BE A MOOT. NOT ONLY DID TRUMP TWEET DENIAL, HE YELLED AT A REPORTER WHO ASKED HIM ABOUT IT.>>SO THESE TWO REPORTERS WROTE THIS BOOK, AND THEY SAID I WANT AN MOAT WITH ALLIGATORS, SNAKES, ELECTRIFIED FENCES SO PEOPLE GET ELECTROCUTED IF THEY SO MUCH AS TOUCH THE SPIKES. I NEVER SAID IT, I SAID I’M TOUGH ON THE BORDER, NOT THAT TOUGH. OKAY. IT WAS A LIE.>>Jimmy: HE DIDN’T WANT ALLIGATORS, HE WANTED DRAGONS WITH FIRE IN THEIR MOUTHS, LIKE THE ONE CALIISI HAD. THIS WAS VALIDATED BY A DOZEN WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS WHO SPOKE ON ANONYMITY. THAT’S ALL OF THEM I GUESS. AND THIS IDEA OF AN MOAT, WHERE WOULD THEY GET AN IDEA LIKE THIS?>>THEY’LL WANT A HIGHER FENCE. MAYBE THEY’LL NEED AN MOAT. MAYBE THEY’LL WANT ALLIGATORS IN THE MOAT.>>Jimmy: OBAMA AND HIS JOKES AGAIN HAVE US IN A FIX. THANKS, OBAMA. SO ANYWAY, NOW WE HAVE A NEW SCANDAL, GATOR GATE. BUT AS HORRIBLE AS THAT IS, AND IT IS HORRIBLE, AND WE MUST NOT FORGET THAT. THE MAIN EVENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C. RIGHT NOW IS IMPEACHMENT. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S HENCH MEN ARE GETTING IN ON THIS. TODAY WE LEARNED THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE, MIKE POMPEO WAS PART OF TRUMP’S NOW INFAMOUS CALL WITH THE UKRAINE. EVEN THOUGH HE ACTED LIKE HE DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. POMPEO HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN ITALY WHERE HE ADMITTED ON SECOND THOUGHT HE WAS ON THE CALL, SO OOPS.>>THE PHONE CALL WAS IN THE CONTEXT OF NOW, I GUESS I’VE BEEN SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMING ON A YEAR AND A HALF, I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT THE AMERICAN POLICY WITH RESPECT TO UKRAINE. IT’S BEEN REMARKABLY CONSISTENT, AND WE WILL CONTINUE TO TRY TO DRIVE — >>Jimmy: I THINK THAT MEANS SIX MORE WEEKS OF POOEM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THERE’S A VERY DISTINCT PATTERN WHEN TRUMP OR ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS GET CAUGHT ON SOMETHING. FIRST THEY DENY IT OR PLAY DUMB. THEN THEY SAY I DID DO IT, BUT THEY ACT LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. THEN THEY SAY THEY DIDN’T DO IT AFTER THEY SAID THEY DID IT. POMPEO IS AT STAGE TWO OF THAT. GIVE HIM A COUPLE DAYS. WITH ALL THIS SHRAPNEL COMING AT HIM, THE PRESIDENT IS ABSOLUTELY MELTING DOWN. TODAY HE CONTINUED HIS ATTACKS ON ADAM SCHIFF. HE CALLED SCHIFF A LOWLIFE, REPEATEDLY ACCUSED HIM OF TREASON, WHICH IS A WORD HE DOESN’T KNOW THE DEFINITION OF. HE FLOATED THE THEETRY THAT SCHIFF WROTE THE WHISTLE-BLOWER’S REPORT.>>HE’S SHIFTY SCHIFF, A SHIFTY, DISHONEST GUY. AND THIS GUY WAS NEGATIVE ON MIKE POMPEO, HE CAN’T, YOU KNOW, THERE’S AN EXPRESSION, HE COULDN’T CARRY HIS BLANK STRAP, I WON’T SAY IT, BECAUSE THEY’LL SAY IT WAS SO TERRIBLE TO SAY. BUT THAT GUY COULDN’T CARRY HIS BLANK STRAP, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?>>Jimmy: I’M NOT SURE I DO, LET’S GO DO OUR EXPERTS TO FIND OUT.>>DUMB DONALD IS REALLY DUMB.>>NOW DUMB IS HE?>>GOT A LETTER FROM A POLITICIAN ASKING FOR SUPPORT. BUT INSTEAD OF MONEY HE SENT THE POLITICIAN A BLANK.>>JOCKSTRAP.>>CAN YOU SAY JOCKSTRAP ON TELEVISION?>>I DON’T KNOW.>>Jimmy: YOU CAN NOW. IF YOU GO THROUGH ALL THE SEASONS OF MATCH GAME YOU CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE. SO THE SCHIFF IS HITTING THE TAN. THE PRESIDENT REPEATED A CURSE WORD. HE COULD USE A MILLION ROUNDS OF GOLF RIGHT NOW. HE SAYS THIS INVESTIGATION HAS NOTHING DO WITH HIS PERFECT CALL TO UKRAINE. HE SAYS THE DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN OUT TO GET LIMB SHIM SINCE THE WON.>>SHIFTY SCHIFF SHOULD RESIGN, AND JERRY NADLER AND ALL OF THEM, IT’S A DISGRACE WHAT’S GOING ON. YOU HAVE A PERFECT, I MEAN, PERFECT CONVERSATION WITH A PRESIDENT OF ANOTHER COUNTRY, UKRAINE IN THIS CASE. AND THEY TRY AND SAY OH, LET’S IMPEACH HIM. THEY’VE BEEN TRYING TO IMPEACH ME FROM THE DAY I GOT ELECTED. I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS FOR THREE YEARS. THEY’VE BEEN TRYING TO IMPEACH ME FROM THE DAY I GOT ELECTED.>>Jimmy: AND GUESS WHAT, THEY’RE ABOUT TO GET THEIR WISH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS TO YOU. ALL CREDIT. ALL CREDIT TO GOES TO HIM. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I DO THINK THESE GUYS ARE GOING ABOUT THEIR THE WRONG WAY. DEMOCRATS NEED TO STOP USING THE WORD IMPEACH. THEY SHOULD TELL HIM, LISTEN, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU’VE DONE AN AMAZING JOB. YOU’VE DONE SUCH AN AMAZING JOB WE ARE SENDING YOU RIGHT TO THE HALL OF FAME. YOU WILL BE THE FIRST INDUCTEE INTO THE HALL OF FAME. WE’RE GOING TO RETIRE YOUR JERSEY, WE’LL HAVE A CEREMONY, MAYBE A PARADE, THEN LEAD HIM INTO A HALL OF SOME KIND AND LOCK HIM IN IT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MAYBE HAND HIM A TROPHY. AND THROW A FEW OF THOSE SNAKES AND ALLIGATORS IN THERE WHILE WE’RE AT IT. AN INNOCENT BISTAND NER AYSTAND THIS WAS THE PRESIDENT OF FIN LAND. HE WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO TRUMP DURING THEIR PRESS CONFERENCE. THE LIKES OF WHICH THE FINNISH HAVE PROBABLY NEVER SEEN.>>I’VE DONE MORE THAN ANY PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY HAS DONE. FOR ME IT’S LIKE PUTTING ON A SUIT IN THE MORNING. PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME, HOW DOES HE HAND IT WILL? RUSH LIMBAUGH SAID I DON’T KNOW OF ANY PERSON IN AMERICA WHO COULD HANDLE IT. SEAN HANNITY HAS SAID IT.>>Jimmy: THAT’S THE HELSINKI SHUFFLE. THE FINNISH PRESIDENT EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO SEE TRUMP TAKE A SHOT AT THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. HE SAVED HIS BEST MATERIAL OF THE DAY FOR NANCY PELOSI.>>WE WON THE ELECTION, THEN THEY GET SERVED WITH SUBPOENAS, ALL THESE SUBPOENAS. NOW LOOK AT NANCY PLEAELOSI, NA PLEASE PELOSI HANDS OUT SUBPOENAS LIKE THEY’RE COOKIES. YOU WANT A SUBPOENA? HERE YOU GO, TAKE THEM, LIKE THEY’RE COOKIES. PAUL RYAN WOULD NOT GIVE SUBPOENAS. NANCY PELOSI? HERE YOU GO. EVERY DAY YOU GET SUBPOENAS.>>Jimmy: THAT’S RIGHT, NOW OPEN YOUR MOUTH FOR SOME MORE SUBPOENAS. BECAUSE YOU’RE THE COOKIE MONSTER, AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT THAT THIS IS ALL A HOAX, JUST ASK HIS GOOD PAL VLADIMIR.>>LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THE OVERWHELM TH WHOLE THING IS A SCAM. THE MUELLER DEAL WAS A SKACCAM,E RUSSIAN COLLUSION WAS A SCAM. YOU CAN ASK PUTIN. NO ONE’S BEEN TOUGHER ON RUSSIA THAN TRUMP.>>Jimmy: JUST ASK PUTIN. HE’S VERY OPEN. PUTIN DEFENDED TRUMP AS HE’S BEEN KNOWN TO DO. PUTIN SAID I SEE NOTHING COMPROMISING IN THE CONVERSATION. ANY HID EAD OF STATE WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME. I THINK THAT’S SWEET THAT HE STANDS BY HIS MAN LIKE THAT. THEN PUTIN JOEFKKED THAT RUSSIA PLANNING TO INTERFERE IN THE 2020 ELECTION. HE SAID I’LL TELL AYOU A SECRET. HE LOVES THIS SO MUCH. IT’S LIKE LUCY PULLING THE FOOTBALL AWAY FROM CHARLIE BROWN, ONLY IN THIS CASE, CHARLIE BROWN IS DONNIE ORANGE, AND WE ARE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE ARE, I GUESS WE’RE THE DIRT. AND IF THAT ALL WASN’T ENOUGH, THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF THE STATE DEPARTMENT CALLED AN URGENT MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF CONGRESS. HE SCHEDULED IT YESTERDAY FOR THIS MORNING. ALL WE KNEW IT WAS HIGHLY UNUSUAL. AFTER THE MEETING, JAMIE RASKIN HELD A STRANGE LITTLE CHAT WITH THE PRESS.>>AND HE WANTED TO GIVE AS YOU PACKET OF INFORMATION, WHICH IS UNCLASSIFIED. WHICH ORIGINALLY ARRIVED AT THE DEPARTMENT OF STATE ADDRESSED TO SECRETARY POMPEO AND LOOKS LIKE THIS. SO IT’S IN CALLIGRAPHY. SAYS SECRETARY POMPEO, ATTENTION, AND IT SAYS THE WHITE HOUSE. SO IT MAY HAVE COME FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. IT MAY NOT. WE DON’T KNOW. AND THERE IS A SERIES OF FOLDERS, WHICH ALL COME FROM TRUMP HOTELS. SO FOLDER AFTER FOLDER THAT SAY TRUMP HOTEL. NOW I HAVEN’T HAD TIME TO THOROUGHLY SCRUTINIZE EVERYTHING THAT’S IN HERE. BUT IT’S ESSENTIALLY A PACKET OF PROPAGANDA.>>Jimmy: RIGHT, SO THEY GOT A PACKET OF PROPAGANDA WHICH IS APPARENTLY FULL OF STORIES ABOUT JOE BIDEN AND OTHER PEOPLE TRUMP DOESN’T LIKE, WHOEVER IT WAS WROTE ON THE FRONT IN CALLIGRAPHY TO SECRETARY POMPEO, THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THEN THEY PUT ALL THE PROPAGANDA IN FOLDERS FROM THE TRUMP HOTEL. NOW IF THIS IS FROM SOMEONE WHO’S WORKING IN SUPPORT OF DONALD TRUMP, THAT PERSON IS AN IDIOT, WHICH HCONSIDERING WHO WE’RE DEALING WITH IS ENTIRELY, NOT JUST POSSIBLE, BUT PROBABLE. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY PUT

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